Eve’s Tips for Keeping Cool this Summer and Forever (Eat it, Rachel Zoe).

Rachel Zoe doesn’t know what the hell she is talking about. This woman is killing fashion! She dresses all the young coked-out Celebre-whores and the world ends up with a generation of 14-year-olds in espadrilles and baby dolls, completely confusing all the boys (“Is she naughty or 10 years old…or BOTH?”).

Since I can’t respond with my right hand to her temple, I will respond with my own favorite trends for summer.

And they are:
1. Fearlessness

How hot is it to wear sharkskin hammerpants when you know full well that they are NEVER going to come back in style. But she doesn’t stop there, she pairs them with silver chucks, bug-eye “sunnies” and a mexican leather vintage purse. She obviously did not stop, collaborate, or listen to anyone before she walked out the door and I love her for that. Either that, or she’s getting her fashion inspiration from the most unlikely of places, namely Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. I guarantee you, fearlessness is hotter than a pair of double Ds any day.

2. Functionality

This is totally the Saturday cooking, gardening, beer-brewing outfit. Psyched-out housewife or Swedish commune laborer. Lately on the weekends, I’ve been spending all day in aprons, and thrift stores have a treasure trove of them. I have a vintage leiderhosen style apron that has become my new uniform. Headscarves should be worn to keep malt out of your hair and the sun off your head, not to keep people from seeing your bad extensions or your hair loss from anorexia.

3. Ingenuity

Incredible. The fact that someone can think up this kind of aesthetic in their brains is astounding to me, but then to create it out of tape, newspaper and string to such effect makes me feel like hooking my wheelchair onto the front of a semi-truck and at least attempting to go out in style.

4. Love

Love makes the best accessory. It makes you glow. It makes you confident. It makes you immune to criticism. Better than the perfectly cut vintage sundress for one dollar or the boldest sunglasses, love is the ultimate beauty secret. Love gives you that something that makes you irresistible (I know, I’m sappy, but guess what, I don’t care!). And guess what, Rachel Zoe, you’re too busy molding the next generation of shallow, materialistic, untalented bulimics, you wouldn’t notice love if it knocked you in the face with a Philip Treacy hat. So guys, find real love, or just love yourself. Discover a talent, take a risk, or just OWN your instincts!