Painfully Hip » Painful or Hip?

california select?

diana — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 07:17:24 +0000

i’ll be the first to admit that i’m turning on my “painfully behind the times” lamp by even bringing this up, but today i happened to re-stumble upon california select and it kind of got me thinking…

actually, it kind of got me feeling a little anxious, possibly even annoyed…

american apparel doing the vintage ebay thing? and as it turns out, the blog thing as well.

it’s quite possible that i’ve gotten fussy about this due to the poor grammar i discovered in said blog. proof-reading is something nice people do, to make reading words nicer for other nice people.

maybe american apparel doesn’t care about niceness?

i think what really got me going though, is the fact that i really don’t like it when previously established monstrosities try to get in on indie/hip/witty and/or clever things that us common folk come up with out of necessity, because these above-mentioned juggernauts of fabulous tee-shirt production have already monopoly-ed all the other aspects of the industry.

(for the record, i put scarlett johansson’s singing career and mcdonald’s referring to themselves as “mickey d’s” in their print advertisingin the same catagory.)

i am aware of the fact that i am being a complete jackass to many many people at this moment in time.

this said, i have to admit, they have some pretty neat stuff on their site:

also, acquiring more tri-blend deep-v’s is high on my to-do list for this week, so i should probably stop talking while i’m still somewhat ahead…

Go Jane: go seriously consider laser surgery

amber — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:42:07 +0000

Here at Painfully Hip, we do try to encourage adventurous dressing, but I have to say that one of the most fun posts I’ve ever done was this rollicking slagging of the Go Jane aesthetic. I was disappointed to see that Go Jane had somewhat toned down their selection since then, but today when I stopped by -there really are a few gems to be had- I saw their new front page and got really excited at the sight of a crazy collage with the most vile shoes I’ve ever laid eyes on front and center.

Now, I have nothing against retailers who take chances and at discounted prices, but there’s a difference between quirky or fashion-forward and just plain crazy-go-nuts. Really, who would buy this shit? Seriously let me know, because I kinda wanna hang out with them.

fucking amazing. I mean with the ugly shoe trend that’s happening these days, I can kinda see the Balenciaga-ish thing they were going for but… Wow, it looks like someone took a hideous mule and frankensteined half a construction workboot onto it minus the overtly practical steel toe. Somebody should be arrested for bringing these Eraserhead babies into the world. EDIT: If you’re actually into these, you’re probably too painful for this site, but check em out in black. They’re less Brick-Laying Hooker and more Janet Jackson in Rhythm Nation. Good luck with that.

No sense! At all, makes none! Shiny formal ombre plastic gladiator spat stilletto?? What kind of dress from Hades would begin to go with these? So confused! Like yoda talking for the rest of the day, I’ll be.

I was wondering if the metallic leggings thing would translate to a wide-leg silhouette. I wonder no more. In fact, I think my wondering mechanism is broken forever.

I would totally wear this necklace if I was a plastic troll cannibal and I needed a DIY project for all the troll scalps I’d been hanging on to. Y’know, for old times’ sake.

I’m having a love/hate relationship with my eyeballs right now. Do I want them in my head forever, or do I gouge them out with a stiletto heel right NOW for submitting me to such abhorrence? Can you say “Ugg?”

OK, if I don’t stop now, I’ll end up hot-linking 50 more things and then they’ll be on to me. And I won’t be allowed to buy the cheap buried treasures I keep finding, like their much improved denim section. Goooo, Jane!

the return of the fanny pack?

amber — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 21:49:14 +0000

My mother once got mugged in paris. They knocked her down and stole her fanny pack right off her fanny. Not funny at all. But the funny part was that on the police report, they wrote that her “centre banane” was taken. “Center Banana.” It’s funny on so many levels!
Have you noticed a resurgence? First there were the wide belts, then the wide belts started to get pockets. Now, these little bits of MomChic are popping up on hipsters everywhere! No matter how much we deny it, the early 90s just won’t stay in the past. Check it:

Ivy Frozen wears it well:

Here it is in Helsinki…

i prefer it worn backwards…

or over the shoulder like MTLST‘s ElektrikB:

what do you think? center banana: painful or hip? if you think hip, you’re lucky. these things are ridiculously convenient, especially for keeping your cell phone and lipstick handy while clubbing. Plus they’re a dime a dozen in any thrift store. think on it.

[tags]fanny pack, street style, trend, nineties, fashion [/tags]

where were you in ‘92? – say hello again to the era we all thought was out of fashion forever

amber — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 04:06:43 +0000

i’ve been noticing a disturbing trend in street fashion lately. at first an ironic lean toward Day-glo and splash-tack-ular prints, the early 90′s is now emerging in an explosion of earnest, gloriously clashing, epileptic chic.

god help us, hell froze over and the early 90′s are making a comeback. it was my most hated era, not only because of hammer pants, hypercolor and Aquanet, but because i was a skinny, awkward small-towner who’d just moved to a big city, just beginning the hell some people like to call junior high. thank jeebus for a twin sister through those dark, flourescent-coloured times.

perhaps it’s time to face my preteen fears and embrace this era. maybe it won’t be so painful this time around. but only because M.I.A. (in case of epilepsy, do not click) says so. and M.I.A. will always have her say in my book.

not so convinced? i dare you to watch this video and not want to dance your way to the nearest thrift store to buy yourself a pair of red zebra-striped overalls.

PS thanks for your patience last week. i’m finally home for a while and i’ve got a brand new macbook (thanks, Carlo! i love you!) to help me keep up with your wild demands for my mind-bullets of fashion insight.

Eve’s Knicker Picker

Eve — Wed, 16 May 2007 16:22:44 +0000

What is it with elaborate lingerie?

I don’t care if you’re Heidi Klum or Gisele Bundchen, nobody looks good in cheap velour or scratchy lace (although the helmet is totally HOT).

Hell, I’d take duct tape over that.

Now this is super hot, nobody can argue with that, but this was definitely designed by a virgin, because that delicate lace will rip at any sign of heavy breathing and for $1549, you could buy yourself a couple sessions with a sex therapist.

My hubby enjoys simplicity. A pair of boyshorts with a sheer tanktop is his cup-o-tea.

And I’d have to agree. Cozy, comfy, and durable is all I need.

Case in point:

(Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation )

But I’ve got a little hippie in me. Why not channel your power animal from your nether regions?

Or if you want something a bit more feminine, check out Etsy:

At least you know that these handmade beauties won’t crumble under a bit of horseplay, no?

H-O-T to trot.

Go Jane: go get some glasses

amber — Wed, 16 May 2007 00:28:03 +0000

i’m more than willing to dig through loads of junk to find some reasonably priced treasures. and i do like a large selection. but some of GoJane’s junk are real DOOZIES. SO offensive, SO repulsive, I hardly ever go there, despite their wicked prices. they desperately need a more selective buyer, or at least one that’s slightly less blind. behold, the hideousness…

tri-color top ($17): if you wear this, beware, i might think you’re a pinata and smack you. but that’s ok, because you’ll deserve it.

white apolline jacket ($33): OMG! now my french show poodle and i can be figure skating partners!

represent bikini and senate boyshorts ($40): oh say can you see, my nips through this crappy polyester!? if you wore this to my 4th of july BBQ, i might accidently severely undercook your chicken.

nautical applique skirt ($19): i know! let’s take a perfectly passable skirt and slap on a random red, gold and blue anchor patch and ridiculously long fuschia ribbons so you will feel like you have spiders are climbing up your leg all day! wee!

scholar(??) dress ($23): if you have a habit of drinking waaaay too much goldschlager, passing out face down and then pissing yourself, this is the dress for you.

ashling shorts ($24): i don’t mind a bubble hem on a short short, but the fabric and lack of front seams on this make it look like an adult diaper. and they went CRAZY on the colors. what in the hell would you wear these with?! oh yeah of course, an adult diaper.

apprize skirt ($34): emblazoning “hindu-inspired deities” across your ass is SO yesteryear.

wyoming capris ($29): faded turquoise denim capris may be out, but dirty faded turquoise denim capris are AWESOME.

oh, i almost forgot:

mmm, taste that? i looove the piquant flavor of throat bile. delish.

all that being said, i kinda really want to buy this, this and these.

forever an 80 year old toddler

amber — Tue, 08 May 2007 00:50:22 +0000

ok, as you know, i’m in love with the romper, and i bought a great one this weekend for a song, but holy methane gas! Forever21 really let one rip with this stinker. goddamn! next time i wanna look like an easter egg decorated by a retarded 3 year old in a convalescent home, i’ll wish i’d bought this frumpy, shapeless horror show.

woven floral jumpsuit $26seriously. yikes. who in the world could pull this off? or would even want to try?? forever 21, you’re on notice.

EDIT: it occurs to me that this might possibly be the perfect thing to wear on your next serious bender:
-one less piece of clothing to try and remember not to take off
-the perfect camouflage for an adult diaper
-if you puked on it, who would notice?

going commando in painted-on jeans

amber — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 23:08:36 +0000

now you CAN. for serious. all those days i dreamed of putting on my favorite jeans without the tedious worry of finding a clean pair of underwear are now over. i can’t believe it. chafing be damned. and it gets better! i can now show off my pasty hipbones and encrust my pubis with rhinestone studs!! this is the best day of my LIFE:

they only cost only $80 USD!
(and your dignity)

EDIT: god help us all, apparently these also come in white.
for more snarky bad fashion reviews check out these posts:
Go Jane: go get some glasses
Painful or Hip?
Forever 21: forever an 80 year old toddler

Painful or Hip?

Eve — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 23:00:24 +0000

Painful.

I’m sure when you stood in front of the mirror, you thought you were fulfilling every boys’ Gilligan’s Island porn-flick fantasy. The flowers in your hair only help accentuate the Fisher-Priciness of your boobs. And you still shop at Wal-Mart.

***

Hip.

How hot is it to pair a black knit minidress with a white button up tunic and brown suede boots? Add the banjo and you’d cause Brad Pitt to start scuffing his boots in the sand. And you don’t even care. You’re too busy singing the songs of the fjord in the fog. Got no boobs? Use that grand for a banjo.

***

Painful.

I guess I should give you the benefit of the doubt that you were maybe thinking “Betty Page: Hot, Mr. Rogers: Hot. What if I was ironic and combined the two?” But this outfit looks like you’re going to interview for the regional manager position at Hot Topic. Or the receptionist position at the Scientology Book Room. Either way you’ll finally get laid. By Xenu.

***

Hip.

The fact that you’re wearing a stone wash, high-waisted jean skirt these days makes you look simultaneously daring and effortless. The only thing that would make you more daring is if you tried to ride that bike in that skirt.

80′s in irony: OVER.

80′s in earnest: classic.

Finally making a huffy bike look cool: priceless.