Every time I take an armload of clothing into a thrift store dressing room, I am filled with hope. Hope that the half-price pieces fit perfectly, hope that I haven’t too far miscalculated the size of my own hips and am not about to waste twenty minutes of my life trying on fourteen pairs of pants that I can’t even button, hope that the cranky old lady that works here didn’t notice the enormous amount of stuff I brought in when the sign above me clearly says “Limit: 3 items”.

Often there are several things that look sooooo promising on the hanger, yet in practice fit like a burlap sack. Conveniently, I’ve been sewing since I was in diapers, so I can usually go home to my (read: Diana’s) trusty sewing machine and fix the items that are worth altering.

But how do you know if something’s worth altering? And how do you go about altering it? Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s why I was born into this world of ill-fitting clothing.  All my years of intense seamstress training have resulted in my figuring out how to take extreme shortcuts and share them with you. My entire life has been leading up to this moment.

May I present to you graciously: Jamaica’s Slipshod Tips For Transforming Your Thrift Duds into Thrift Studs.

CHAPTER 1:

Okay. So those jeans you just tried on do fit. As in, they button without any muffin-top side effects. Unfortunately, that’s where the good news ends. You were looking for a comfy pair of skinny jeans, and this pair bags awkwardly at the knee as though you haven’t taken them off in six months. Are they fixable?

Well, sweetcheeks, that all depends on how they make your ass look. If they sag in the bum, they aren’t worth the trouble unless you want to pay to get them altered. And I don’t think you do. Keep looking.

Wait–what’s that in the distance? The perfect shade of lycra-blend grey denim! And they fit your wild rumpus! Awesome! Grab them and then head home to your machine. If you don’t know how to use a sewing machine, it’s time to learn. Technically you could do this by hand, but by the time you’re done you’ll hate me and neither of us want that.

What you’ll need: Sewing machine, thread, pins, patience.

Step 1:  Turn your newly acquired jeans inside-out, and put them on. All the way. Yeah I know it’s awkward to zip them, and you look like you’re dressing up for a high school spirit day, but just trust me. Check the side seams. On most jeans, the inseam is reinforced and difficult to alter, so you’re going to want to work with the outside seam, the one that caresses those lovely hips of yours.

Step 2: Grab your pins, and starting at the ankle, pin the jeans to fit you. Like this:

If the denim isn’t stretchy, you are going to want to leave a little extra room so you’ll be able to get them over your feet, and, you know, walk.

Keep pinning upwards until your new improved line meets the original seam where it fits you. Does that make sense? Just look at the picture. Repeat on other leg.

.

Step 2: Take the pants off, being careful not to scratch or stab yourself. (**Painfully Hip is not liable for any self-inflicted injuries that result from our clever advice**) Your pants should look something like this:

Step 3: Have a seat in front of your roommate’s sewing machine. Starting from the hem of the pants (and making sure to backstitch), sew along the line you created with the pins, removing them as you go.

When you reach the holy intersection of pin and seam, make them gradually connect, like a pair of socially awkward lovers. Otherwise you’ll end up with strange upper thigh wrinkles, and that isn’t pleasant for anyone.

Step 4: After you’ve sewn both legs up, try the pants on again (still inside out) to make sure the operation went smoothly. Take them off again and cut the excess fabric off, leaving about half an inch past the seam.

Step 5: Put your machine on the zig-zag setting (unless you’re lucky enough to own a serger, in which case you know what to do) and zig-zag the raw edge so it won’t unravel.

You’re done! Turn those bad boys right-side out, wiggle into them and check out your gams in the mirror! SO HOT.

Check back for more sewing tutorials from yours truly on everything from appliques to zippers. Aren’t you excited, my darlings?

]]> http://www.painfullyhip.com/2010/03/painlessly-fixed-or-how-i-made-my-3-jeans-look-like-they-cost-8/feed/ 6 http://www.painfullyhip.com/2010/03/check-me-out-impersonating-edie/ http://www.painfullyhip.com/2010/03/check-me-out-impersonating-edie/#comments Wed, 03 Mar 2010 23:15:32 +0000 amber http://www.painfullyhip.com/?p=4611 Last weekend was… as surreal as it gets. Describable in one made-up word: WARHOLMANIA.

The Tuscon Museum of Art is now showing an amazing collection of original Andy Warhol screenprints so they wanted to do something special for their opening. And special always means dead people impersonation, right? So Friday the museum invited Drew Krewer and [...]]]>

Last weekend was… as surreal as it gets. Describable in one made-up word: WARHOLMANIA.

The Tuscon Museum of Art is now showing an amazing collection of original Andy Warhol screenprints so they wanted to do something special for their opening. And special always means dead people impersonation, right? So Friday the museum invited Drew Krewer and I to come in full costume and full character as Andy Warhol and Edie Sedgwick, making a surprise appearance directly from that “Factory in the Sky.” We were even featured on the Six O’Clock News!

While Drew could easily sashay into the room with only his charm, his usual styling finesse and a spritz of silver hairspray, it took an entire team to get me in fighting Edie form. First off? The fabled dress by my beloved roommate and besty, Jamaica Cole of Sapphire Cordial (pictured in the previous post).

photo by Jessica Castillo

photo by Omer Kreso

And, of course, the ever-important jewels, designed by my dearest Laura of Wingflash Designs!

Paula Taylor and Amber Mortensen - photo by Tucson John

Necklace by Wingflash, Whipped Cream by Diana

While Edie managed to last about 27 years, I lasted exactly 10 hours – through the epic POP! Afterparty at the Rialto, complete with a Velvet Underground cover band, mylar photo booth, gallons of whipped cream, a Warhol Death Reenactment, endless dancing, and a good slathering of Tomato Soup. SPENT.

But no rest for the weary, because the next day we had a request to transform into go go dancers at the Eric Firestone Gallery. They had THE most amazing exhibit, including some never-before-seen Andy Warhol photographs. Unbelievable.

Jamaica Cole photo by Tucson John

Danielle Theriault Sit-Down Dancing photo by Tucson John

The gogo dancing lasted for 5 hours straight with no less than 4 costume changes each. So it goes without saying, I spent the last three days in bed. Sick as a dog. Like Edie coming down from a multitude of barbiturates.

“woodland creatures, plaid, houndstooth, zigzags and argyle” by Painfully Hip.

About Budget Style (click for more details!)

Diana put together this lil’ punkin’ of an outfit and instantly, the perfect nickname for my miniscule roomie was born. Here she is…

Kitten McTinykins

Bless her lil’ kitten soul!
Pretty sure everything except the tights and headband was thrifted for less than a few Daddy Warbucks.

Recently, art dealer Eric Firestone invited my two roomies and I to attend his latest opening for ’40s pop artist, Andy Burgess. But not to attend as just any guests, because this wasn’t just any party. The day after I returned from my 2 month adventure/ gargantuan workfest, I found myself quite the “working girl” once again. Hawking Lucky Strikes (they’re toasted!), Cubans, Emphysema, and vintage candy for tips… dressed as 1940s cigarette girls. That man sure knows how to throw a party.

photo by Krysta Jabczenski

I think after rushing around all day, we threw these get-ups together in about an hour. Life is good in this House of Stylists and Excessive Giggling.

This Week! Thanks to About.com and the New York Times, my new website, About Budget Style is LAUNCHED… in T-minus a whack of seconds. Watch here tomorrow for linkage galore! Also a big congratulations to my friend, Mai on her beautiful new store, Threadsence!